waking with you...

Good Night.

2008-12-15T07:04:00.000-08:00

I am making the bed and moving on...to a new project for the new year.
Though I hope to wake with you, C, for the rest of my days.
This morning moment is being brought back within the intimacy of just you and me.

Readers...Thank you so much for following this and reading this...I truly enjoyed the process of documenting this moment and these thoughts for the last 6 months.
I also have a new and exciting daily documentation planned for the new year so keep posted.

And have sweet dreams and even sweeter lives.

waking with you.

2008-12-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

mentally still in bed.

2008-12-10T08:29:00.001-08:00

uncertainty...

2008-12-09T09:14:00.000-08:00

Uncertainty is in my morning air.
Questioning of what I am meant to do in this life, in this situation.
Trying to trust that all this is meaning something...
leading to something.

I am grateful that I am not uncertain in you.
This knowing gives me courage and faith in this life.
It allows me to let go.

crawling, pulling, pushing

2008-12-08T07:29:00.000-08:00

myself out of bed... knowing this week will be a full hectic one that leads into another.

a heavy iron blanket.

2008-12-04T07:31:00.000-08:00

I was able to bounce out of bed for my 6 am private yoga class...
But then I got back into bed and you were so warm.
Then when I needed to wake up again it was like trying to push a heavy iron blanket of sleep of me.

a good morning view...

2008-12-03T06:08:00.000-08:00

I woke up to see you right across the pillow and for a moment you took my breath away.
I thought how unbelievable it was that I woke with you everyday of my life and have been for 10 years...

and you still take my breath away

feeling...

2008-12-02T05:31:00.001-08:00

ready and motivated to take the day on.
surprising?

return to normal.

2008-12-01T07:56:00.000-08:00

So we awake back into our regular schedule today.
You working.
Me still lost and confused about whatever the hell I am doing.
Just a return to normal.

you woke up...

2008-11-26T06:59:00.000-08:00

and annoyed me.
But it passed, I like you again.

too much to do.

2008-11-25T11:17:00.000-08:00

how can one unemployed lady have so much to do.
I woke up too late and will not get caught up with what I planned on doing today.
Oh well.
So glad the holiday is coming up.

ripples in my sleep.

2008-11-24T07:48:00.001-08:00

sleep was troubled.
i tossed and turned.
the night was long.
but the rest was short.

gorgeous...

2008-11-24T07:47:00.001-08:00

you like like a painting made just for me.

overslept...

2008-11-20T08:32:00.000-08:00

feeling half-assed about life and stuff.

discouraged.

frustrated.

special day.

2008-11-19T05:25:00.000-08:00

today as I woke into the the warm light of the day.
There was a heavy quietness and stillness to the air, even as I could hear the traffic rushing by outside...
and I smiled knowing this was a day to celebrate you, cheers to you, sing to you, love to you.
Happy birthday to you, my sweet love.

beds.

2008-11-18T06:09:00.000-08:00

beds are so warm, so soft, so easy to be in.
I hate each moment in the morning when I have to force myself out.

restless to heavy.

2008-11-17T08:04:00.001-08:00

I had a restless night, my mind racing...
Constantly thinking about how my choices affect you.
Yet,
I could not pull myself out of bed once morning came
because I was so heavy with sleep,
and perhaps heavy with much more.

not much on my mind this morning...

2008-11-14T08:24:00.000-08:00

feeling boring and unmotivated.
since you are in the city today I think I will enjoy being home alone...

strange dreams...

2008-11-13T07:06:00.000-08:00

We both had strange dreams last night...
and eerrily they have some major similarities....
me having life literally sucked out of me.
you having emotional life sucked away.

weird.

feelin a little bit better...

2008-11-12T07:11:00.000-08:00

almost, just almost like I am back to being me.
And I woke up before 10, something I have not done since I have been sick.
Maybe I can even manage to not chase you out of bed with my coughs tonight.

companion.

2008-11-11T08:22:00.000-08:00

Little faithful LB has been my only sleep companion as of late.
My coughs and tossing and turning have forced you out to the couch night after night.

And though I deeply appreciate LB's faithful purring as I cough up my insides
I have to say I am very ready to have you back in bed and my lungs at rest....

sleep all day.

2008-11-10T09:17:00.000-08:00

I could sleep all day today.
I was heavy with sleep when I awoke for the 2nd time.

I would be happy if you spent the day in bed- sleeping with me.
Too bad neither of us can.

chasing you out.

2008-11-07T07:45:00.000-08:00

I keep chasing you out of bed with my coughs and clearing of the throat.
I hate that you leave to go on the couch, though I understand....
But when I am sick all I want is comfort from you and because you do not want to be sick
you treat me like I am the plague.

I wish you didn't hate sickness so much.

sore.

2008-11-06T08:58:00.000-08:00

and sick body- slept in.

woke up, rolled out of bed.

2008-11-04T06:13:00.000-08:00

need a coffee.
and then???
I don't know what.

wrong side to right

2008-11-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

you woke up on the wrong side of bed.
I am glad you went back to bed and woke up on the right side the second time.
'Cause you were being an a-hole.

split.

2008-10-31T05:25:00.000-07:00

I am feeling very split into two.
half myself and
half someone I don't recognize.

I have a sense that you miss - the whole me.

i am okay...

2008-10-30T05:34:00.000-07:00

and i will be okay, and things will get better.

perspecitve

2008-10-29T05:19:00.000-07:00

today needs to be the first day of my life.
I need to change my persperctive.

overslept

2008-10-29T05:17:00.000-07:00

ran out the door, existed in a fog for hours.

rumpled, crumpled, and...

2008-10-27T05:29:00.001-07:00

looking forward to

2008-10-24T05:21:00.000-07:00

tomorrow morning, when we can sleep in and snuggle as long as we want.

hard and heavy

2008-10-23T05:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know what is up, the planets are aligned, the season has changed, or I am simply exhausted-but I am sleeping as hard as a rock, as deep as an ocean, and as heavy as a elephant.

And I am loving it, I actually feel like I get rest when I wake up in the morning.
Now with that said I still hate getting out of bed.

warm and heavy.

2008-10-22T05:32:00.000-07:00

last night you got our warm blanket out...
and we slept heavily underneath it.

underwhelmed...

2008-10-21T05:16:00.000-07:00

It seems that we are underwhelmed by our circumstance...and that weighs on us this morning.
It's alright, we will figure it out... and in the process build our life, our family, our home...and it will be beautiful...it already is beautiful and we are just beginning the process,
you and me.

questioning?

2008-10-20T05:19:00.000-07:00

you are the only thing in my life that I am not questioning right now.

it is a comfort to know that I am confident in one aspect of my world, loving you.

no idea.

2008-10-17T05:20:00.000-07:00

you have no idea how much I want to crawl back in bed and sleep the morning away.
no idea.

irritated...

2008-10-16T05:23:00.000-07:00

you were not in bed when i woke up.
i was glad, i could stretch out and be alone.

plus, you have been really getting on my nerves this week.

sometimes you are a spoiled brat and act like i am your maid and servant.
its rude.

so yeah, i was glad you were not in our bed this morning.

already.

2008-10-15T05:37:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it is already another day...what happened to the last one???

still need to..

2008-10-14T05:16:00.000-07:00

I still need to clean my sheets.
I still need to sweep my floor...
I still need to get my life in order...

Instead of "still needing to"
I am going to try letting go.

who knows, it might work.

yearn...

2008-10-13T05:37:00.000-07:00

I yearned and wanted and so desired to get back into bed...
to wrap around this soft skin.

But I didn't.

the day before

2008-10-10T05:23:00.000-07:00

5 years ago, this was the day before I married you.
It was beautiful, overnight the trees along the road and ceremony spot had turned fire red...
We awoke to the sounds of the tables and tent being assembled outside...
My mom was somewhere telling someone to do something in order to help make our day just as i imagined it. (thanks mom).
My best friend from college was on her way...

It was a day filled with family and love. (actually a weekend filled with this)
Around 5: 30 we realized we never got our marriage license, and then found out your grandparents forgot on their wedding day 50 years ago too.

Our rehearsal dinner was filled with smiles, toasts, kisses, and wine.
I love looking at the pictures from that nights because everyone is beaming with happiness.

I fall asleep exhausted with the breeze coming in through the windows.
Knowing this will be the last time I fall asleep without you as my husband.

And everyday and night I still am deeply grateful and lucky and happy for this.

l love to kiss you toes

2008-10-09T05:26:00.000-07:00

as they wiggle in the early morning.

I haven't decided if that is weird or not... I am not sure that I care even if it is...

sheets.

2008-10-08T04:46:00.000-07:00

I need to clean the sheets.

asleep and then awake.

2008-10-07T05:21:00.001-07:00

the beginning of the day is as simple as that.

blur soft light

2008-10-06T20:24:00.000-07:00

our life is blurring by in the sweetness of this soft light.

friday...

2008-10-03T20:22:00.000-07:00

we woke at the same hour in the morning.
there was sweetness in waking together and moving about

wrapped.

2008-10-02T05:29:00.000-07:00

i wish those hands were wrapped around me right now.
my body heavy in deep sleep.
your body heavy against mine, in its own sleep.
and those hands so gently touching each other wrapped around me.

i wish.

awoke to reach out to sheets...

2008-10-01T05:18:00.002-07:00

I woke up and you were not in bed.
I wished you were.
I wanted to feel your presence.

slept.

2008-10-01T05:18:00.001-07:00

today I let myself sleep in because I was exhausted.
but now my body is so stiff and achey that I wish I had gotten up and done yoga as usual.
I really wish I could both sleep in and yoga...
that darn 24 hours thing!

sleep?

2008-09-29T05:32:00.001-07:00

got up super early. i need to go to bed earlier when i do that.
i want to sleep and it is nowhere in sight.

with the pitter patter

2008-09-26T05:30:00.000-07:00

of rain,
the soft breeze of an open window in fall,
the gray light of a cloudy day,
I want to stay right here in bed with you.

piles of pillows...

2008-09-25T05:30:00.001-07:00

piles of achey bones.
piles of to do lists.
piles of laundry that I need to fold from Saturday.
piles of cat hair that sheds constantly.
piles of dirty dishes.

piles.

and
a pile of love.

autumn light...

2008-09-24T05:20:00.000-07:00

the beauty,
direction,
and softness
of autumn light
makes me want to stay in bed

longer

with you.

my favorite moment in the day...

2008-09-23T05:21:00.000-07:00

is waking up and looking at you...
and knowing you are who loves me back.

deep sleep...

2008-09-22T05:22:00.000-07:00

I need more.

Can I?

2008-09-19T05:12:00.001-07:00

can I take my bed,my blankie, and you to work with me today?
That way I never have to leave.

so tired...

2008-09-18T04:57:00.000-07:00

yawn, I am so tired I can't even see my feet...
Having house guests and having work for 4 days this week, though fun, has been exhausting.
I am hoping this weekend will be without much plans or anything just so we get caught up for our life...yawn, again

want to stay in bed...

2008-09-17T05:18:00.000-07:00

all day with me...oh i wish i could but life is waiting...

another...

2008-09-16T05:22:00.000-07:00

another night, another morning, another day.
life circles...
and I circle with you.

a morning that i am glad is over...

2008-09-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

though nothing technically went wrong, nothing went right either...

bad night.

2008-09-13T09:08:00.001-07:00

bad night.
bad dreams.
sometimes it is really hard being married.
today it is very hard being married to you.

tossing and turning

2008-09-11T05:36:00.000-07:00

all night. I slept poorly and had a terrible time getting to sleep.
Was it a full moon?
You did too as you got up and moved to the couch for awhile...

the other side...

2008-09-10T05:24:00.000-07:00

I get up out of bed, walk out of the room, and by the time I come back you have rolled right into the spot I was sleeping. So I document your side instead.
I realized today that the fact that you do this, almost every morning, is a subtle expression of love for me or my warmth...
and now it will make smile.

wind chime alarm bell.

2008-09-09T05:06:00.000-07:00

The last few mornings I have been waking up to the sound of our chimes.
I know that our neighbors might hate us for having so many but...
I love the moments in the year when you wake up to the wind chime alarm clock.
It means your windows are open and change is on the way.
And the coming months just happen to be my favorite time of year.

a wonderful thing...

2008-09-08T16:20:00.001-07:00

to wake up with; is you.

wish I could...

2008-09-05T05:03:00.000-07:00

stay in bed all day curled up with you...
but no.

balance?

2008-09-04T05:32:00.000-07:00

Is one of the hardest things to find.
Balance in our schedule.
Balance in our day.
Balance in our life.
Balance in our bodies.

Still seeking balance today.

change.

2008-09-03T05:30:00.001-07:00

change is happening in our routine... with my new job I am moving around much earlier and you are grumbling in bed about it....
change is going to happen and one of them needs to be clean sheets!

sunlight poured in...

2008-09-02T05:23:00.001-07:00

and tickled my skin.
I awoke with heaviness as you continued to sleep deeply.

deep sleep.

2008-08-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

today I slept the deepest sleep, and I so would have liked for us to stay in bed all day.
There should be designated stay in bed days... the world would me much better.

white, quiet, light...

2008-08-28T07:16:00.001-07:00

if every morning could start so slow and calm.

Preparing to...

2008-08-27T06:59:00.003-07:00

to say goodbye to sleeping until 9.
With the new job I will have to be up and running well before you stir.

the day disappeared before it even began.

2008-08-27T06:57:00.000-07:00

another morning...

2008-08-25T07:19:00.001-07:00

like many simple mornings.

simultaneous.

2008-08-22T06:46:00.000-07:00

We simultaneously woke up, sat up, and got out of bed.
Groggily walking into the day.

good mornings...

2008-08-21T06:04:00.000-07:00

awoke, gave kisses, have just the right amount of time to get ready, eat, shower, and say I love you 100 times...

hop, go, and run...

2008-08-20T18:43:00.000-07:00

I hopped out of bed and ran out... to day with massive potential.
I look forward to the weekend and running into bed with you...instead of out.

hide...

2008-08-19T06:05:00.000-07:00

the last few nights I have wanted to hide under my pillow from my dreams.
I have really had some unpleasant ones...
one super sad one was about you.
I hate scary dreams, even if they are just the scares of real life.

I am ready for dreams with laughter and joy.
Maybe I have been eating something funny?

deceived...

2008-08-18T06:35:00.001-07:00

by cotton pillows. I though you were still in bed, ready for me to curl up to.
But I was deceived.
You were already moving about making our coffee.

finally a bit caught up.

2008-08-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

today I had the luxury of lingering in bed.
I slept heavy all night, exhausted from my week.
But now I feel so much more myself.
Ready to linger tomorrow with you.

fast and in a flash...

2008-08-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

it feels like that this entire week
I have woken in a flash and had to
sprint out the door...
so no time to linger over you
or kiss you hello.
I like my mornings slow and not fast.

simply...

2008-08-13T19:00:00.001-07:00

totally beyond words exhausted...
I awoke and it took all my effort to wake.
But I am glad I did...
As the day I told you about over dinner had the potential to be a light at the end of the tunnel...

recover...

2008-08-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

I just cannot seem to recover from the weekend my energy is so low...
And I stayed up to late.
And this week's schedule is all weird.
And we both need to exercise, we would sleep better.
And maybe we should not live so near a highway.
And we need a new mattress and quieter cats.
And....

my brain is mush.

2008-08-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

my days and my schedule are so wack!
I can't sleep when I go to bed and do not want to get up when I must.
I long for a routine again.

in your head.

2008-08-06T06:40:00.001-07:00

You looked so calm and deep in sleep. I wanted to crawl in your head and curl up there.

i woke up...

2008-08-05T15:52:00.001-07:00

and you weren't in bed. You said you could not sleep.
All I wanted to do was keep sleeping.

back to our bed.

2008-08-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

I was away and though I enjoyed hogging the entire bed in my fancy sheets at the hotel.
It is so much better to be waking in bed with you, even if the traffic is loud and the cats are hungry.

sleepless night.

2008-07-31T12:26:00.000-07:00

you told me i look exhausted... I am. My night was restless I could not get the sound or the energy of the city around us out of my body.
I just wanted enough quiet to hear my breath.
And I could not.
I think I am still asleep.

clean sheets.

2008-07-30T06:49:00.000-07:00

clean sheets, quiet mind, I was able to happily awake today...

with a to do list...

2008-07-29T06:13:00.000-07:00

I woke with a to do list racing on my mind.
I wanted to reach out and hold you, slow down, breathe in, but I could not.
My heart was racing towards all the to do's and I was off.

our bed is home...

2008-07-28T06:35:00.000-07:00

we are home in our bed, and though we need a new mattress and being home means being back to real life, nothing is better then waking up with you here.

mmmhhh....

2008-07-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

my back hurts, my neck is stiff, when did you (I) start needing a new body at 30?
and the doctor already yelled at you...
uh-oh we're in trouble...

i still...

2008-07-15T07:55:00.003-07:00

need to wash my sheets,
need to find a job, need to finish my piece, clean the litter box...

but mostly I still love you...

exhaust...

2008-07-14T06:33:00.000-07:00

maybe I am being a bit melodramatic and self indulgent. But mental exhaustion is way more exhausting then physical exhaustion, and I am exhausted...

dirty?

2008-07-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

I woke to the sound of you cough,
the sheets need cleaned...
my life needs scrubbed...

heavy...

2008-07-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

woke up early and felt light and energized, woke up 45 minutes later and felt heavy and exhausted. Why does sleep do that? You too feel heavy I can see it in your eyes...

hopeful and distracted...

2008-07-08T08:49:00.000-07:00

I am hopeful for an opportunity and totally distracted by the not knowing... So I went to bed with it on my mind, and I woke up with it on my mind... here is to hoping that hope works.

slumber...

2008-07-07T06:28:00.001-07:00

you slumber oh so sweet... I putter away. Sometimes I like it best being alone with you still at home...

empty bed, full life...

2008-07-03T05:22:00.000-07:00

things have been bumpy the last few months with me... but I awoke at the wee hour of 5:30 am today and I spread across the empty bed, you were on a flight back from L.A., and thought things are going to work out, smooth out, and be good...Let's hope I am right...